pressure points

October 2083 - Stephanie Day is 23, Willow is 1. (Jeremy Nova is 68, Riley Hathe is 34, Justin Kim is 23, Corbin Gray is 33.)

She feels looked after like a child. Her father drives back and forth from the city. He says he's just prepping for the move, but he never seems to be moving anything. Justin calls her almost every day after work, and he and Lily come over when they can. Her Aunt Sophie comes by from across the street. "Oh, honey," she says, frowning at Stephanie's scorched attempt at pork chops. "You should have let me bring you something."

And then there's the real, actual child. Willow. Aunt Sophie scoops her up in her arms. "Oh, isn't she just precious?" she says. "What a doll."

"Why don't you teach her a song?" her dad suggests. It seems like the kind of thing a baby would enjoy, but Willow doesn't. She's stubborn and whimsical, one minute loving nursery rhymes, and the next minute not wanting anything to do with them. She's not talking yet, or walking, though she does manage to pull herself up to splash her hands in the toilet from time to time.

Stephanie's father wasn't planning on retiring this fall, but then his plans changed. He'd never say it, but she sees the way he watches after Willow, only solidifying the fact that she can't do it herself. It's not Jeremiah's garden patch he's here to check up on, but the baby. Her father never gardened a day in his life, and he's nearly too old for it, hunched over at the back like he does as he tills the soil.

Her parents are moving to the university estate in a couple months, and there's so much for them to do. Stephanie barely sees her mother with all the transition work going on, and when she is around, she's preparing for the job ahead.

She's going to be the next President of the Lake County Board of Education. It's the peak of her career, the most important thing she's ever done, and there was never even a choice in the matter. She just gets the job, no need for an election because there's no one to run against her. Everyone else is retiring, or not qualified, or too busy with their own full lives.

Now she acts like she's suddenly burdened with all she has to do. Stephanie wonders, how can she be burdened by a job she wanted? You can't feel burdened by something you wanted. It's just not fair.

Stephanie wanted this baby, and Jeremiah wanted her too. They talked about it and then it happened and then it all changed so fast. It's not that Stephanie stopped wanting her, but she just didn't know it would end up like this. She feels like it was only a minute ago she was on campus with her friends, and then she had a husband for a minute, and now she's here with no husband and this baby. Just the two of them, so very much alone. She feels so lonely in these quiet moments. She feels like she's been lonely for years.

Maybe it's because this house is always so busy, on the weekends, on the evenings, her aunts always coming and going, that during the days it just feels so empty. Everyone goes to work, and goes about their own business. Did you ever take a moment to listen to an empty house, a quiet so quiet you can hear your own heartbeat in veins of your ears?

When Riley stops over one afternoon, it could only be because their father sent her. There's almost ten years between them, and they've never found the time or space to relate to each other. When Riley's mother was dead, it was Stephanie's mother that came into the picture. When Riley was dealing with young motherhood, Stephanie was off dating boys and playing soccer.

Stephanie always thought of her sister as bitter, cold, and resentful. Her sister is a fortress that she's never seen breached. The last thing she wants to do is burden her.

"You should get out or something," Riley suggests.

"Where?" Stephanie says. "I don't have a job."

"What were you studying in school?"

"I was only there for a semester," Stephanie says. "I can't even remember what I took."

"Well there must be something wrong," Riley says. "Dad's never called me out here to 'have a girly chat with my sister' before."

"Okay, well," Stephanie says. "I think she hates me."

"Willow?" Riley says. "She can't hate you."

Stephanie looks down at her child, there at their feet, chewing on a rubber toy pony leg. "What if I ruined her?"

"You couldn't have ruined her," Riley says. "She's only a year old."

"She's miserable," Stephanie says.

Riley arches her back into the couch. "Nobody's perfect at this, you know."

Stephanie doesn't turn to look at her, but only says, quietly, "I know."

"You just have to suck it up and bear your end of the burden," Riley says. "That's what we all do. Life isn't cake, Steph. I don't know what fairytales you were reading as a kid."

She sleeps when Willow is sleeping. That's something they tell you to do in those parenting books. A well-rested mother is a happy mother. A happy mother is a happy family. She wonders who writes these things?

Stephanie lays down, but she hardly feels like she's sleeping. Or when she does manage to nod off, it's like the space of hours vanishes into a blink. It doesn't feel like sleep.

The phone rings. Stephanie doesn't know what time it is. Willow is babbling on the baby monitor and she doesn't know how long she's been awake.

It's Justin on the phone. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"What am I ever doing?"

"Can you come out?"

She opens her bedroom door, the silence of the house still ringing in her ears. "I don't think my parents are here."

"My mom will watch her," he says. "I'm coming to get you."

They drop the girls off with his parents, and Justin drives them out to the city. "You met Corbin before," Justin says. "At the wedding."

"Yeah," Stephanie says. "I think he was wearing a lot more clothes then."

"I thought this might be good for you," Justin says. "He's a trained physical therapist and everything. He has, like, eighteen degrees, and knows a-hundred-something styles of massage. And he shouldn't hit on you or anything."

Stephanie gasps. "What?"

"I mean, I told him not to."

"You what? What did you sign me up for?"

"It's fine," Justin says. "It's just a massage."

They move over to the couches to wait for Corbin's current tai chi session to end. First of all, Stephanie is very shy. Second of all, she hasn't been touched by a man in five whole months. Third of all, she's married! And fourth of all, she asks, "He's going to put some clothes on first, right?"

"Yeah," Justin says.

"Would you let Keri do this?"

"No way! But don't worry, he'll be professional." He pauses. "I mean, with you he will."

Corbin does shower quickly and change into some clothes before he comes over to meet her. She takes his hand - his very strong hand, which he somehow manages to grasp around her own, solid yet delicate at the same time, as if he'd studied the exact art of shaking a woman's hand. Not too flimsy, not too firm.

She can see Justin fidgeting in her peripheral vision. "Remember, man," he says. "Like a sister."

She changes into a towel, leaving her underwear on underneath. She isn't sure if she's supposed to take them off or not, but professional or not, and as unexplored as she is lately, there's nothing down there that's available for a rubdown.

His hands are warm, perfectly professional, and she's relaxed before she even thinks to worry if she's not relaxed enough. He doesn't talk, but only kneads her body, all the right places, as if he could seek out the sore spots, the worries buried so deep in her muscles she wasn't even aware how much they ached.

So much tension released. So much relief, she feels her eyes well and spill over. Then her nose is running. Her arms are pulled back and unable to help her as tears run down her face. She sniffs. Her face is turned downward and gravity helps to pull the mucus down from her nose. She sniffs. She sniffs harder.

He stops. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she says.

He hands her a tissue, and she pulls up to wipe her face. "It's a perfectly normal reaction," he says. "Just let me know if you want to stop."

"I'm fine," she says, but her body is acting otherwise, spilling with tears and snot. This man is practically a stranger and she's half-naked and crying. She needs to hide. She needs to hide now. "No, stop," she says. She gets up from the table and runs behind the changing screen.

She dresses much more quickly than she undressed, and runs from the room into the courtyard.

"What the hell," Justin says. "Why is she crying? What did you do?"

"It's okay," Corbin says.

"He didn't do anything," Stephanie says as she escapes outside.

It's quiet here, and she can finish the crying she started. It just keeps coming. The world is spinning at the speed of nausea, and she's not allowed to get off—there's too much resting on her. Grow the fuck up, she tells herself. Bear your end of the burden. Life is neither cake, nor a fairytale. Life is a runny nose that gravity only helps to pull down faster.

When the world stops spinning, she looks up to see Justin's feet standing there. He sits down beside her, wedging himself into her quiet, dark corner, and then the corner feels less dark and more like a warm, safe hug. He doesn't ask if she's okay anymore. He must know better.

"He said it's a very normal reaction," Justin says. "Pressure points or something. It happens all the time."

Her mouth twists into the slightest involuntary smile. "That's normal?"

"Yeah," Justin says, his thumb rubbing tiny circles on her knee. "Totally normal."

*******

(footnotes: sad // still sad // even sadder)

notes: if you're interested in the gameplay stuff: Willow's aspiration is deep in the red, and all her wants are to learn things, but she refuses to let anyone teach her. I don't know what brought her down so low - maybe it was the dog dying? Jeremy is petrified for her to grow up badly. And Stephanie (the Sim) is ambivalent, rolling her nonsensical pleasure Sim wants, to buy ridiculous things, or dates that she can't go on. Her family secondary is not at all showing up to the party right now.

*** outtakes, on a brighter note... ***

Jeremy with Willow, since this story was told from Stephanie's POV.

Oh how he loves this little baby! It's like the only right thing that's ever come of his life, lol! And she adores him too, and constantly follows him around the house when he's there.

Of course, he does have four other grandchildren, but I guess he's most concerned with this one right now ;)