from myself, part 1

November 2083 - (part 1 of 3) - Micah and Mariah Buchanan are 25, Quinn is 15 months. (Jane Hudson is 25.)

* soundtrack: "Songbird," by Fleetwood Mac *

Micah is still working on city council, but he's starting to get the feeling that it won't really go anywhere. Blake Miller has been on city council for almost ten years now and hasn't gone anywhere. Politics is what it is sometimes. The people want who they want, and there's really no room to move otherwise. So Micah is supposed to be working up some sketch ideas with the city planning committee, as part of the Lake City downtown revitalization project. It's kind of a test run for a new career direction. He's always had a knack for doodling things, and they humor him with the task of plotting out stops on the new public bus lines. It's more exciting than you might imagine.

He feels like he's walked straight into his entire life. He only landed his current job because of who his mother-in-law is, and maybe because of his dimples. His wife only finally agreed to marry him because he knocked her up. From the outside, it might appear as if he's had some good luck, but that isn't the way it feels to him. He always tries to work hard, but it's never his hard work that pays off.

So if he can plot out the perfect frequency of bus stops for the new Lake City Transit plan, then he'll feel like he's accomplished something. Maybe next time they'll let him design a courtyard or something.

He's supposed to be sketching bus stops, but he also has a couple personal projects in the works. He and Mariah are coming up to their second anniversary this winter, even if it does feel strange to celebrate the anniversary of something that was so scarcely a wedding. It's not really a secret project. He told her he was trying to paint a portrait from a photo shoot they had done last year. He's just practicing, trying to get her smile right. She has a very particular kind of smile, gummy and almost shy.

From the moment they first met, he only wanted to love her. It seemed like so simple a thing. It seemed natural, even necessary, but it would prove to be the most difficult thing he ever tried to do. He worries that he just fell into all of this. It all happened so fast. He wants to know she really loves him and didn't just end up with him. He wants to know she's really happy.

She always says she's really happy, but he can feel otherwise.

He's still drawing when she comes home from her evening appointments. Quinn has been in bed for an hour already.

"Do your feet hurt?"

"No, my brain," she says.

"Come here," he says, pulling her onto his lap. "Sit down anyway."

She couldn't see them until she sat down, the few other drawings hidden behind the easel.

She doesn't say anything but just gazes at them as if they were of someone else entirely, some stranger her husband has taken a fancy for. That's when he stops looking at them. He pulls her closer to his chest and she finally lets her weight rest fully on his lap. He leans down to kiss her shoulder, to see if she'll smile.

He says, "I could draw you again and again and never get bored."

She finally takes her eyes from the wall to look at him. He tries to provide for her and treat her well. He tries so hard to let her know how loved she is. But sometimes, the way she tilts her head to look at him, the way her eyes narrow and her brows rise, feels sad and full of so much pity.

That, more than anything else, is what breaks his heart.

***

But on top of everything Mariah has to feel terrible about, there's the way Jane asked her to be the matron of honor in her wedding. It was the way she stated her case like an argument she'd been rehearsing. She isn't very close to many women, she'd said, and she knows Mariah is one of Chandler's best friends since they were kids. Besides that, Micah is going to be Chandler's best man, so it only feels appropriate. She might have even said, please.

It just about broke Mariah's heart. This sweet, mousy little girl marrying her oldest best friend - of course she would stand up for their wedding!

She forgets sometimes that the bunch of them have all known each other throughout college and even as far back as high school. She really should have made better friends with her already.

"So what do you have in mind?" Mariah asks her.

"I don't know," Jane says. "What do they call it? Off the rack?"

Mariah smiles. "It's okay, I got married in my coat and boots. It was my sister who had the $100,000 wedding."

"You're right," Jane says. "I was there. That was some wedding!"

They separate to sift through the racks, looking for sale items if they can. Jane doesn't have much to spend. She and Chandler are doing better these days, but this is going to be a budget wedding.

They search through all the pristine white and ruffles, and modern gowns in less pristine colors, alternating in rows with all the racks of bridesmaids dresses.

Finally something catches Mariah's eye. A cream colored tulle gown, with a gentle gold embroidery down the front, big and billowy, simple but at the same time perfectly elegant. Mariah always imagined herself in something like this when she was a girl, in that way little girls plan out their fairytale wedding before they've even met a husband.

She feels inclined then, holding the fabric between her fingers, to go back in time to tell her childhood self not to bother. There's no Easter Bunny, no Santa Claus, and no you aren't going to end up having that fairytale princess wedding after all. Would that have made a difference, if she knew all along that life turns out however it's going to turn out regardless?

Mariah still has the fabric between her fingers when Jane says from over her shoulder, "Oh, that one's pretty."

"You should try it on," Mariah says, turning away from the dress quickly.

Jane looks for the price tag. "Oh, I think I better stick to that clearance rack over there. This is way out of my price range, I just know it."

"No harm trying it on," Mariah says. "Isn't that the point of wedding dress shopping?"

Jane shrugs. "Well I guess it can't hurt," she says. "I'd better not break it, huh?"

She takes the gown into a booth, and it dawns on Mariah that she's never actually been wedding dress shopping for herself. A bridesmaid three times now and never a bride? She's never even tried one on. She'd only feel silly now, or regretful.

But when Mariah sees the gown on Jane, she just knows, somebody needs to get married in that dress. And who better than this mousy little girl, sweet enough to marry their bumbling friend Chandler Price?

"You should wear it," Mariah says.

Jane leans toward the mirror like she can't even believe the reflection. "Oh, I couldn't," she says. "We could never afford it."

Mariah takes a veil from a nearby rack and helps Jane pull it over her hair.

"Wow," she says. "Chandler really lucked out, didn't he?"

"You're too sweet," Jane says.

"No, I'm not sweet," Mariah says, faces flashing through her mind, all the people hurt in her hands. "But let me make up the difference on it. It'll be my wedding gift to you."

Jane swarms her then. "Thank you," she says. "I'm going to take such good care of him for you all."

"Well I know he's going to need it," Mariah says.

"Please pick out your own dress," Jane says. "I'm no good at this. And you have such good taste. Whatever style, whatever color you want. We'll just match the decorating to it."

"That's actually not a bad idea," Mariah says, thinking back on some of the horrendous dresses she's ended up in for other weddings.

She sits down on an empty shelf while Jane changes out of the gown. She doesn't feel sweet in the least, but it isn't because she's envious. All this is just a dress and some cake. In her gut she knows it's not about the dress and cake at all.

She has a wonderful life. She's happy. She's not bitter. She's made the right decisions in her life and she stands by them. It's just that she's promised this wonderful man her entire heart, and after all this time, she still just doesn't understand why she can't give that to him.

*******

(footnotes: getting the job // getting the girl // she's not bitter )

notes: part 1 of 3. To be continued ;)